A poem to you.

A poem for you. 

Another day of stress and sorrow,

Sometimes I wish there were no tomorrows

They say I am lucky and that I am blessed, 

But I'm cursed with an illness nobody can detect

If time was to stop would my thoughts stop too? 

Or would they just continue to run through

They say be positive one step at a time 

But I have a body that's mine pretending to be alive

The truth is inside, the real me has died

Sometimes my conscious talks to me

It tells me my mind and me that we can be free

I believe that that's true, that I will pull through 

And  if you're reading this, I hope you do too. 

Stefi x 

Excuses for happy.

So,

I was gonna beat around the bush with this one, but I'm not gonna, 'cause just like Skepta says.. that's not me, so here goes..

How many of us make excuses? By that I mean, excuses to stay in a saddened relationship, or a dead end job, so on and so forth, etc.. etc.. How many of us find every reason to stay, when we know deep down, the most important reasons are the ones that tell you to leave. Are you happy, or are you just comfortable? Why do we battle with our mind instead of finding peace with it?

These aren't rhetorical questions. These questions are here for you to try and answer. Imagine you are the strongest person you know, because you are, especially when you realise the only barriers you have to face, are the ones YOU put up. Now, don't get me wrong I know me typing this behind a laptop screen makes everything seem so easy. I know its hard honey pie's, I really do and I will be honest with you, sometimes I still doubt the choices I've made because of the 'what if's' that flood my mind from time to time, but do you know what I do with them 'what if's'? I slap a fuck it on 'em because without change we'd never move and in the long run, those changes have got me to a place where I can hand on heart say I am happy. I'm not that weird chick who's always happy mind, people piss me off on a daily and I cry sometimes (usually when I see a really cute puppy or when I'm hungover) but overall, I am as content as a pig rolling around in it's own muck.

I don't actually have an aim with this blog post, but my mind was active and apparently I love to preach. If only we were all aware of just how fleeting life can be, then maybe we wouldn't second think the things we want to say, or the things we want to do.

If you have read this blog post, thank you and remember..

Choose happy,

Stefi xoxo

Be your own hero..

Erm.. How do I start off this blog..?

Ok well, It's been a long time since I blogged and to be honest I'm not going to even make an excuse for the lack of posts. However I wanted to write one today because I had this feeling where I just need to say a few things, even if nobody even reads it (but if you do I hope in some way it helps or reaches out to you).

I've recently learnt to love the life I live, even the shitty parts. I haven't had a smooth run, but has anybody?
I spent years depressed and anxious; scared to live. This is the first time I've ever admitted that to anyone apart from my family and very close friends, but I've learnt to slap a fuck it on what people think, why should I be ashamed of the fact I suffered? Why should any of us?
I realised the only person who could save me was myself, so I made selfish choices for the first time ever and I decided that I need to put me first. The best choices I've made have been the scariest ones, the once with no certainty, that being said I have never been more content for doing so.. mainly because I love playing with fire haha!
I find myself avoiding any situation which may put me in a position where I may need to settle, because that's not me anymore. I will never settle for anything or anyone who/that doesn't bring anything to my table. I am here living my life and I live it exactly the way I want. I am not scared to tell people exactly how it is, if someone pisses me off they know. If anyone screws me over once rest assured I won't let them screw me over twice. Some call it brutal, I call it strength, just because I walk away from situations or people, it doesn't mean that it's easy and that I don't hurt. I just know that if I aren't where I need to be I have to leave vice versa; if they aren't where they need to be I need to set them free too, even if as much as I wished I could be everything someone needs, if I'm not they have the right to go find someone who is. Letting go is the hard part but holding on is what gives you the pain.
We all have a choice, a choice to be happy everyday when we wake up we have that choice!
I just want those who are/have suffered like me to know you are not alone in this world, you just have to find the strength inside to fight for the life you want, be your own hero, stop trying to find a hero in others as you can never rely on anyone the way you can rely on yourself. You will just end up disappointed, forever pondering questions that nobody can give you answers to, because the truth is you are the only one who can answer them, you just need to search a little deeper within yourself for the answers. I know it seems that I'm making it sound easy, I know its not easy its taken me 5 years to get to this place but if I can do it, so can you.

'Life is fleeting' - no truer phrase I have ever heard. We are all alive, but can you honestly say you are 'living'? Do you wake up in a morning and think 'I am blessed for this breath and I am blessed for the people and things I have in my life'?

If you love someone or miss someone just tell them, what have you got to lose? Holding it in hurts more than letting it out (just think about your farts man, that trapped gas feeling is never pleasant, similar thing applies with unspoken words) Remember nobody knows when their time is up so never leave any words unspoken. On that note I just want to thank those who have supported me in my darkest of hours.. remember; 'Happiness can always be found, even in the darkest of times, if one just remembers to turn on the light'

(my apologies to those who may find errors in my punctuation etc. I gave it my best shot and to be honest I ain't got time for giving a shit about it)

Fix up, look sharp

Stefi xoxo

Changes.

Hey beauties,

I thought I would write a post as it's been so long, literally.. like almost a year?!
So here is what I have been doing..
First of all I have FINALLY finished University and managed to graduate with a 2:2! I am so pleased with this result and anybody who is/has been close to me will know how proud I am of myself for achieving that grade, it made all the hard work worth while.

It feels so surreal that three years have passed and I actually have to be an adult now. It's actually harder to adjust to adult life than my actual degree was, no joke. I've still got to master cooking and cleaning, but apparently creative people are messy people, so I think I'm going to use that as my excuse until I figure them out.

So after I graduated I wasted no time in putting myself out there career wise. I left Schuh in June of last year, after 5 years which was kind of crazy but it was time to make that move. I now work at Kurt Geiger, so apparently I can't keep away from shoes, I think they might be my weakness. I am loving my job and I feel like I have got an exciting career ahead of me with KG.

I've had a year full of changes and new beginnings but these are just a few examples I have shared with you. Changes are still happening too and they are even tougher, but I believe everything happens for a reason and that's what pulls me through. I am so thankful for the people who have been in my life and even more thankful for those who have stayed, but I've got love for you all for playing your part in my life. Is it strange to say I feel at peace? Or should I be using the term content? Whichever it is, that's how I feel. I don't have everything yet, but I am working on it. For now I am doing me, working on where I am going and learning from where I have been. Perseverance leads to progression and I am feeling positive for my future.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope you didn't find it to heavy for a Sunday night..

Much love,

Stefi xoxo

Moving on & Facing fears..

Hey beauties! 

Sorry it's been a while, I've had some things going on.. But I'm gonna jump straight into this deep pool of words! 

I've recently come out of a relationship with someone who made me happy for the majority of a year. I'm not gonna lie, it came as a shock to me.. Caught me off guard and threw me to the cold concreted ground, confused and a little scared. 

I've battled for some time with some demons which have caused me to become detached from the world around me on an emotional level. It's difficult to describe.. but imagine being surrounded by people who love you.. But not being able to appreciate them the way you probably should. It's gets a lonely place when you can't escape your inner fears! It's easy to pretend everything is ok and carry on like life's peachy.. But tell me, what does this achieve when the going gets tough? 

I realise now that happiness is not something you gain from other people, it's something you get from yourself, your accomplishments and your doing. I'm not saying people don't help, of course my friends and family make me happy.. But sometimes when they aren't there and there is nobody to fill the gap it's difficult to remain that way. Especially when your biggest fear is people leaving you..

I've decided that from now on I'm gonna put me first, I've lived the past 4 years catering to the needs of people who disappear. Taking a handful of good memories and a broken heart from the experiences. I don't regret this though, I'm thankful that I have been loved and loved in return. Who doesn't want that? I don't feel sad or feel any regret anymore, just because something doesn't work out, doesn't mean you should live a lifetime with grudges. I did that for a while, I held my grudges. I believed that because I was hurting they should hurt 10x worse, but they shouldn't. They deserve to be happy too, like we all do. 

Letting go is hard, you've got to be brave and go it alone. My mum told me relationships are a learning curve, you learn to realise what you do and don't deserve. I'm not the oldest or the wisest girl in the world but I've had two very different and very meaningful relationships with two great guys, they just weren't great for me. Blaming yourself for a failed relationship is second nature, but there's no blame if it doesn't work out.. Especially if you tried. 

You should fall in love, you should get your heartbroken and you should get back up, smile and do it all over again until you meet the right person for you. 

Letting go is the best thing you can do for yourself, no matter how many 'what if's' you have about a past relationship that won't make them be 'the one' for you. If they were, they would have never left in the first place. Don't be scared though because I can guarantee you, someone is somewhere, but for now, learn to love yourself. 

I hope in some way, this may help someone. I'm a little scared to post this but I'm facing my fears, why don't you face yours with me? In the words of Bob Marley: don't worry, about a thing, 'cause every little thing.. Is gonna be alright. 

Thanks for reading beauties.. Il be back with a body shop haul and review soon! 

Stefi xoxo 

Aspirations..

Hey Beauties..

I'm getting those 'end of uni nerves' with me having less than 5 months left.. What am I meant to do with myself?!  It's such a scary thought not being able to use the 'I'm a student' excuse anymore.

I'm lucky enough to be blogging for the brand English Girl now and I absolutely love it and I would do blogging full time given the opportunity, I mean what's better than talking about fashion and makeup? Especially when the only thing I want to do is Fashion or Makeup.. You know? Blogging is what I love and is what I want to do professionally one day because I don't want to be stuck doing something my heart isn't in, so I guess It's time to fix up and make these final months count. 

Positive vibes on the blog this evening, I found this quote on Pinterest.. It inspired me so fingers crossed it inspires you too!

Take a leap of faith, you never know where is may take you.. Learn from your failures and embrace your successes. Anything is possible!

Stefi xoxo

Feel good, always!

So I thought I would write about something a little different today.. I will keep it short but I believe this is worth talking about!

Confidence, anxiety and depression. Three words with grey, rainy clouds hung over them. Everybody feels down sometimes, its natural, you are allowed too.. but don't allow it to take over your life. Do you ever wake up in a morning and think 'I just want to stay in bed' or 'I'm not getting up, I have nothing to get up for' I know I have but  there is always something to get out of bed for, try being active.. go for a walk, tidy your room or just dress yourself up, for the sake of dressing up! Avoiding your feelings or things that scare you only makes them worse, you need to tackle them head on.  But know you are never alone, there is ALWAYS somebody who cares. Life is a beautiful gift and if you have a bad day, wake up the next morning put on your best smile and remember all the good things you have to be grateful for.

So stay happy, stay positive and keep striving. Support is always there for those of us who need it.

Thank you for reading, fingers crossed I will get my haul up in the next couple of days so keep your pretty eyes peeled!