Hey,
I don’t know why I find it so easy to write a blog of how I feel but not actually say the words. I guess it’s because I’m in the comfort of my own home, without the pressures of third parties around me.
I just wanted to write about how things have been, let off some steam and just get it off my chest.
Towards the end of 2019, my life changed a lot. I have never been one for change, it scares me to death, makes me panic.. I lose all sight of what’s going on and I just see nothing but darkness and fear. I aren’t gonna go into detail, but you ever feel like your life is having a domino effect? Like one thing falls apart and everything else falls with it?
I always find I give too much of myself to the wrong people, the people who want me only when I am at my best. The ones who wouldn’t even piss on me if I was on fire.. it’s fucked really.
I know I’m not perfect, who the fuck is.. but I forgive people who don’t deserve my forgiveness. I love people who don’t deserve my love. I am loyal, yet people still think it’s acceptable to disrespect me and still expect me trust in them. After all, if someone loves you.. why do they need to be shitting on you when you aren’t around? How come it’s OK for them to disrespect you repeatedly but the moment you do what they did to you you’re the world biggest piece of shit? I’m confused to fuck as to how I can have my confidence and self esteem trampled to this extent. How can I let someone take that from me when I already gave them everything else.
I’ve never been a quick healer, I don’t get cut often but when I do I get cut deep. But I am healing, day by day I am separating myself from all the ‘could have, would have, should have been’s’
I am in a place now where I have accepted that people leave because they want to, they just do not want you anymore and you know what that is fine. I have always said if you love someone you’d do anything to make them happy even if it means letting them go. I don’t know why I’m so contradictory, I don’t know why on one hand I’m fucking fuming that they’ve took the piss out of my life and on the other I still only want what is best for them. And when I say them.. I mean this the most about only one person. When your story gets cut short, when they stop fighting for a love you felt deep in your soul you have to accept that they just didn’t feel the same. That maybe it was all a lie.. maybe they couldn’t accept all your flaws. Who the fuck knows the answers to this bullshit anyway? Oh yeah.. They do and they ain’t gonna tell you because they have already gone hun. Stop wasting your precious time on someone who doesn’t wanna give you any of theirs!
Over these past few days I’ve made a choice, I have made a choice and that choice is me. I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want me. I don’t want to fight for someone who doesn’t want to fight for me. I want my life back, I want me back.. I will no longer forgive people for their imperfections if they cannot forgive me for mine. It’s got to the point where I convinced myself that I weren’t good enough, got me all shades of fucked up.. not even just good enough for them, I mean I thought I wasn’t good enough for nothing. Fuck that, that ain’t me.. I had close friends and family saying ‘this isn’t you Stefi’ and I know it wasn’t and I’m embarrassed that I let it consume me for so long. We accept the love we think we deserve. From now on I will only accept the love I KNOW I deserve.
I will live to fight another day, here’s to a great future. Here’s to moving on and here’s too accepting what is to make way for what will be!
Thanks for reading.
Stefi xoxox
