Realisation&Acceptance

Hey,

I don’t know why I find it so easy to write a blog of how I feel but not actually say the words. I guess it’s because I’m in the comfort of my own home, without the pressures of third parties around me.

I just wanted to write about how things have been, let off some steam and just get it off my chest.
Towards the end of 2019, my life changed a lot. I have never been one for change, it scares me to death, makes me panic.. I lose all sight of what’s going on and I just see nothing but darkness and fear. I aren’t gonna go into detail, but you ever feel like your life is having a domino effect? Like one thing falls apart and everything else falls with it?

I always find I give too much of myself to the wrong people, the people who want me only when I am at my best. The ones who wouldn’t even piss on me if I was on fire.. it’s fucked really.
I know I’m not perfect, who the fuck is.. but I forgive people who don’t deserve my forgiveness. I love people who don’t deserve my love. I am loyal, yet people still think it’s acceptable to disrespect me and still expect me trust in them. After all, if someone loves you.. why do they need to be shitting on you when you aren’t around? How come it’s OK for them to disrespect you repeatedly but the moment you do what they did to you you’re the world biggest piece of shit? I’m confused to fuck as to how I can have my confidence and self esteem trampled to this extent. How can I let someone take that from me when I already gave them everything else.

I’ve never been a quick healer, I don’t get cut often but when I do I get cut deep. But I am healing, day by day I am separating myself from all the ‘could have, would have, should have been’s’
I am in a place now where I have accepted that people leave because they want to, they just do not want you anymore and you know what that is fine. I have always said if you love someone you’d do anything to make them happy even if it means letting them go. I don’t know why I’m so contradictory, I don’t know why on one hand I’m fucking fuming that they’ve took the piss out of my life and on the other I still only want what is best for them. And when I say them.. I mean this the most about only one person. When your story gets cut short, when they stop fighting for a love you felt deep in your soul you have to accept that they just didn’t feel the same. That maybe it was all a lie.. maybe they couldn’t accept all your flaws. Who the fuck knows the answers to this bullshit anyway? Oh yeah.. They do and they ain’t gonna tell you because they have already gone hun. Stop wasting your precious time on someone who doesn’t wanna give you any of theirs!

Over these past few days I’ve made a choice, I have made a choice and that choice is me. I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want me. I don’t want to fight for someone who doesn’t want to fight for me. I want my life back, I want me back.. I will no longer forgive people for their imperfections if they cannot forgive me for mine. It’s got to the point where I convinced myself that I weren’t good enough, got me all shades of fucked up.. not even just good enough for them, I mean I thought I wasn’t good enough for nothing. Fuck that, that ain’t me.. I had close friends and family saying ‘this isn’t you Stefi’ and I know it wasn’t and I’m embarrassed that I let it consume me for so long. We accept the love we think we deserve. From now on I will only accept the love I KNOW I deserve.

I will live to fight another day, here’s to a great future. Here’s to moving on and here’s too accepting what is to make way for what will be!

Thanks for reading.


Stefi xoxox

To the person reading this,

Today I am writing this for us.

Do you ever feel like you have just had enough? You just wanna quit everything and fuck the world off? Because I do!

For as long as I remember I have suffered with what I can only describe as crippling anxiety and depression. I have tried a million routes in hopes I would find a solution, but I still have a million more to try. Now I am not saying I am depressed all of the time, because like everyone I have my good days, but I just wanted to reach out to those like me who have lived while fighting a silent battle with their own minds to let you know you can do it.

We find ourselves tip-toeing around our problems in fear we are burdening people with our issues. When we do find a molecule of courage to open up, usually the reply we get is ‘think positive’ but if you aren’t in the right headspace, that is only going result in you scrambling in your own thoughts searching for something, anything, positive; instead you’re faced with all of your fears, worries and woes. So I beg, please, anyone reading this who knows of someone going through some shit not to say that but instead just offer a judgment-free ear for them.

You will have people around you who will support you, but you cannot rely on them to fight your battle for you because it is yours, it’s yours to win. You are the strongest of people, because despite everything you still get up and you do whatever you have to do that day even with the weight of the world tied to your ankles.

Anyone who is suffering in silence, please, reach out to the people around you, go see a doctor, go see your options and what support there is out there for you! You can do this, you can keep going and you should never give up on yourself because you are the person you need the most.

If people no longer want to be in your in your life, if people cannot support you when you need them the most and if people disrespect you or your situation then they are not the people you need in your life. Let them go and don’t even ask them why, their answers will only disappoint you, just like their actions did.

I just wanted to reach out to those like me and let you know there is no shame in having a mental illness. You have got this and you will conquer all of your demons one day, it can’t rain forever and when it stops you will see your rainbow!

Stefi xoxo

A poem to you.

A poem for you. 

Another day of stress and sorrow,

Sometimes I wish there were no tomorrows

They say I am lucky and that I am blessed, 

But I'm cursed with an illness nobody can detect

If time was to stop would my thoughts stop too? 

Or would they just continue to run through

They say be positive one step at a time 

But I have a body that's mine pretending to be alive

The truth is inside, the real me has died

Sometimes my conscious talks to me

It tells me my mind and me that we can be free

I believe that that's true, that I will pull through 

And  if you're reading this, I hope you do too. 

Stefi x 

Excuses for happy.

So,

I was gonna beat around the bush with this one, but I'm not gonna, 'cause just like Skepta says.. that's not me, so here goes..

How many of us make excuses? By that I mean, excuses to stay in a saddened relationship, or a dead end job, so on and so forth, etc.. etc.. How many of us find every reason to stay, when we know deep down, the most important reasons are the ones that tell you to leave. Are you happy, or are you just comfortable? Why do we battle with our mind instead of finding peace with it?

These aren't rhetorical questions. These questions are here for you to try and answer. Imagine you are the strongest person you know, because you are, especially when you realise the only barriers you have to face, are the ones YOU put up. Now, don't get me wrong I know me typing this behind a laptop screen makes everything seem so easy. I know its hard honey pie's, I really do and I will be honest with you, sometimes I still doubt the choices I've made because of the 'what if's' that flood my mind from time to time, but do you know what I do with them 'what if's'? I slap a fuck it on 'em because without change we'd never move and in the long run, those changes have got me to a place where I can hand on heart say I am happy. I'm not that weird chick who's always happy mind, people piss me off on a daily and I cry sometimes (usually when I see a really cute puppy or when I'm hungover) but overall, I am as content as a pig rolling around in it's own muck.

I don't actually have an aim with this blog post, but my mind was active and apparently I love to preach. If only we were all aware of just how fleeting life can be, then maybe we wouldn't second think the things we want to say, or the things we want to do.

If you have read this blog post, thank you and remember..

Choose happy,

Stefi xoxo

Be your own hero..

Erm.. How do I start off this blog..?

Ok well, It's been a long time since I blogged and to be honest I'm not going to even make an excuse for the lack of posts. However I wanted to write one today because I had this feeling where I just need to say a few things, even if nobody even reads it (but if you do I hope in some way it helps or reaches out to you).

I've recently learnt to love the life I live, even the shitty parts. I haven't had a smooth run, but has anybody?
I spent years depressed and anxious; scared to live. This is the first time I've ever admitted that to anyone apart from my family and very close friends, but I've learnt to slap a fuck it on what people think, why should I be ashamed of the fact I suffered? Why should any of us?
I realised the only person who could save me was myself, so I made selfish choices for the first time ever and I decided that I need to put me first. The best choices I've made have been the scariest ones, the once with no certainty, that being said I have never been more content for doing so.. mainly because I love playing with fire haha!
I find myself avoiding any situation which may put me in a position where I may need to settle, because that's not me anymore. I will never settle for anything or anyone who/that doesn't bring anything to my table. I am here living my life and I live it exactly the way I want. I am not scared to tell people exactly how it is, if someone pisses me off they know. If anyone screws me over once rest assured I won't let them screw me over twice. Some call it brutal, I call it strength, just because I walk away from situations or people, it doesn't mean that it's easy and that I don't hurt. I just know that if I aren't where I need to be I have to leave vice versa; if they aren't where they need to be I need to set them free too, even if as much as I wished I could be everything someone needs, if I'm not they have the right to go find someone who is. Letting go is the hard part but holding on is what gives you the pain.
We all have a choice, a choice to be happy everyday when we wake up we have that choice!
I just want those who are/have suffered like me to know you are not alone in this world, you just have to find the strength inside to fight for the life you want, be your own hero, stop trying to find a hero in others as you can never rely on anyone the way you can rely on yourself. You will just end up disappointed, forever pondering questions that nobody can give you answers to, because the truth is you are the only one who can answer them, you just need to search a little deeper within yourself for the answers. I know it seems that I'm making it sound easy, I know its not easy its taken me 5 years to get to this place but if I can do it, so can you.

'Life is fleeting' - no truer phrase I have ever heard. We are all alive, but can you honestly say you are 'living'? Do you wake up in a morning and think 'I am blessed for this breath and I am blessed for the people and things I have in my life'?

If you love someone or miss someone just tell them, what have you got to lose? Holding it in hurts more than letting it out (just think about your farts man, that trapped gas feeling is never pleasant, similar thing applies with unspoken words) Remember nobody knows when their time is up so never leave any words unspoken. On that note I just want to thank those who have supported me in my darkest of hours.. remember; 'Happiness can always be found, even in the darkest of times, if one just remembers to turn on the light'

(my apologies to those who may find errors in my punctuation etc. I gave it my best shot and to be honest I ain't got time for giving a shit about it)

Fix up, look sharp

Stefi xoxo

Changes.

Hey beauties,

I thought I would write a post as it's been so long, literally.. like almost a year?!
So here is what I have been doing..
First of all I have FINALLY finished University and managed to graduate with a 2:2! I am so pleased with this result and anybody who is/has been close to me will know how proud I am of myself for achieving that grade, it made all the hard work worth while.

It feels so surreal that three years have passed and I actually have to be an adult now. It's actually harder to adjust to adult life than my actual degree was, no joke. I've still got to master cooking and cleaning, but apparently creative people are messy people, so I think I'm going to use that as my excuse until I figure them out.

So after I graduated I wasted no time in putting myself out there career wise. I left Schuh in June of last year, after 5 years which was kind of crazy but it was time to make that move. I now work at Kurt Geiger, so apparently I can't keep away from shoes, I think they might be my weakness. I am loving my job and I feel like I have got an exciting career ahead of me with KG.

I've had a year full of changes and new beginnings but these are just a few examples I have shared with you. Changes are still happening too and they are even tougher, but I believe everything happens for a reason and that's what pulls me through. I am so thankful for the people who have been in my life and even more thankful for those who have stayed, but I've got love for you all for playing your part in my life. Is it strange to say I feel at peace? Or should I be using the term content? Whichever it is, that's how I feel. I don't have everything yet, but I am working on it. For now I am doing me, working on where I am going and learning from where I have been. Perseverance leads to progression and I am feeling positive for my future.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope you didn't find it to heavy for a Sunday night..

Much love,

Stefi xoxo

Moving on & Facing fears..

Hey beauties! 

Sorry it's been a while, I've had some things going on.. But I'm gonna jump straight into this deep pool of words! 

I've recently come out of a relationship with someone who made me happy for the majority of a year. I'm not gonna lie, it came as a shock to me.. Caught me off guard and threw me to the cold concreted ground, confused and a little scared. 

I've battled for some time with some demons which have caused me to become detached from the world around me on an emotional level. It's difficult to describe.. but imagine being surrounded by people who love you.. But not being able to appreciate them the way you probably should. It's gets a lonely place when you can't escape your inner fears! It's easy to pretend everything is ok and carry on like life's peachy.. But tell me, what does this achieve when the going gets tough? 

I realise now that happiness is not something you gain from other people, it's something you get from yourself, your accomplishments and your doing. I'm not saying people don't help, of course my friends and family make me happy.. But sometimes when they aren't there and there is nobody to fill the gap it's difficult to remain that way. Especially when your biggest fear is people leaving you..

I've decided that from now on I'm gonna put me first, I've lived the past 4 years catering to the needs of people who disappear. Taking a handful of good memories and a broken heart from the experiences. I don't regret this though, I'm thankful that I have been loved and loved in return. Who doesn't want that? I don't feel sad or feel any regret anymore, just because something doesn't work out, doesn't mean you should live a lifetime with grudges. I did that for a while, I held my grudges. I believed that because I was hurting they should hurt 10x worse, but they shouldn't. They deserve to be happy too, like we all do. 

Letting go is hard, you've got to be brave and go it alone. My mum told me relationships are a learning curve, you learn to realise what you do and don't deserve. I'm not the oldest or the wisest girl in the world but I've had two very different and very meaningful relationships with two great guys, they just weren't great for me. Blaming yourself for a failed relationship is second nature, but there's no blame if it doesn't work out.. Especially if you tried. 

You should fall in love, you should get your heartbroken and you should get back up, smile and do it all over again until you meet the right person for you. 

Letting go is the best thing you can do for yourself, no matter how many 'what if's' you have about a past relationship that won't make them be 'the one' for you. If they were, they would have never left in the first place. Don't be scared though because I can guarantee you, someone is somewhere, but for now, learn to love yourself. 

I hope in some way, this may help someone. I'm a little scared to post this but I'm facing my fears, why don't you face yours with me? In the words of Bob Marley: don't worry, about a thing, 'cause every little thing.. Is gonna be alright. 

Thanks for reading beauties.. Il be back with a body shop haul and review soon! 

Stefi xoxo